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Omnia vincit amor. Love conquers all. This, by far, is one of my favorite quotes and as cheesy as it is, I like to try to live my life by it. A few months ago I would have claimed that I DO live my life by it, but that would be a severe misrepresentation.
Lately I have been catching myself feeling really discouraged over the most trivial of setbacks. As I move along through my day, doubt somehow seems to find me and the visits are becoming more frequent. I become unbearably judgmental of myself to the point where I have picked out every last flaw in all categories of my life- job, education, career goals, relationships and body image. This, of course, drives me nearly insane and I end up diving head first into the nearest bag of something salty, pausing only long enough to find dessert.
My relationship with food has always been a little dysfunctional. The cycle of emotional bingeing followed by periods of starvation has been the norm since about my junior year of high school. It is only now that I am beginning to understand what triggers this behavior. As a 20 something, it’s easy to get caught up in the desire to be further along in life- especially if you’re a goal setter and as impetuous as I am. Of course, if you let yourself focus on where you want to be and get down on yourself for being far from that, you’re going to feel pretty crappy. Empty is a good description of what I feel when I scrutinize how much more I still have to do. In the past I’ve tried to fill that void with food, and usually food that I KNOW will make me feel worse and that I would never even consider eating otherwise. It’s almost like punishment. I eat until I am uncomfortably full and then am tormented with the feeling that I am weak and worthless.
I know, this is pretty serious stuff for a Saturday morning, but I think writing it is the last step before I can finally conquer this thing. I have identified the problem so now it’s time to get to work on remedying it.
My yoga teacher says it best by telling us to only work with what we have in front of us and to be careful with the words we feed our minds. Basically- just be good to yourself. Eat well and exercise, sure, but also be kind to and forgiving of yourself. Don’t focus on the destination, but instead put your energy into the journey. Practice being present.
So here I am, starting over. I am still anticipating imperfection (I am human after all), but I understand that being present also means being present in your imperfections. Seeing how my flaw one day can change and be my strength another day is a beautiful and inspiring realization. I am going to move through each day with grace and love, and I trust that I will get where I need to go.
Omnia vincit amor.
Do you give trust, no questions asked, or does it have to be earned? I’ve always been one to give people the benefit of the doubt, and if I do get burned because of it, I’m quick to forgive but not forget. I’m wondering, in light of recent events, if I need to change this aspect of myself. Should I be more frugal about who I allow into my life? And how does one prove he or she is trustworthy? Are there certain tests I need to perform?
It’s scary, now, for me to trust the way I used to. I want to be the way I was, open and welcoming to all who come my way, but I find myself questioning things I never would have batted a lash at before. In a new relationship I am wondering if he is being sincere in what he tells me. In my friendships I find myself searching for ulterior motives. It is SO not like me! It is frustrating, to say the least, to be stuck in this world of doubt. I hate being uncertain, but the fear of getting hurt again makes that uncertainty linger. Perhaps time will make these feelings less overwhelming, but my question is: Do I want to ignore them? Have I been living in a dreamland all along and am now coming to reality?
I’ve always been a huge romantic. Any member of my family will tell you that I love to love, be loved and be IN LOVE. I often love blindly, unconditionally and wholeheartedly- exposing me both to great love and sometimes even greater heartache. The hurt that comes after great love ends is miserable, but I wouldn’t ever wish it away. For me, it is a reminder of how powerful love is. In a recent conversation with the ex, hurtful words were exchanged. We didn’t necessarily mean them, but I know neither of us left unscathed. Initially, I was angry. Every insecurity I had confessed to him in secret was heaved in my face, and I felt my trust had been betrayed. In turn, I used every resource I had to hurt him back- fueled by rage. Today however, I see that these reactions were not really inspired by hatred. We both care about one another, which makes it easy to let emotions get the better of us and say things we don’t really feel. A part of me will always love my ex, and will always want the best for him. I don’t regret any of our time together because I know the love we shared was real. A little piece of myself was lost with our ending, but somehow, I have never felt more whole.
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